Hockey is the best.
Doctor Who: A Red Wings Comparison – Part 1 – The Villains
August 5, 2013Posted by on
We all know summer sucks if you’re a hockey fan. But if you’re a hockey fan who happens to enjoy Doctor Who, this just means more time to watch The Doctor and his awesome companions. If only I had a TARDIS…
Being that there really isn’t anything hockey-wise to write about right now, I figure I would have some fun and do a couple of posts comparing Doctor Who characters to people in hockey because hockey is the best and Doctor Who owns.
I’ll start with the Villains, do the Companions second, and finish up with the Doctors.
(note: I am a relatively new Whovian, having only started watching the show back in March. I’m only looking at the “new” Doctor Who since its re-launch in 2005)
Also, if you’re not caught up to the last episode, THERE WILL BE SPOILERS IN THIS POST! I could have probably emphasized that a little more, hang on…
THERE WILL BE SPOILERS IN THIS POST!
That being said, let’s get to it! If you’re not caught up, go do something else like watch more Doctor Who.
Because it has to be said…EXTERMINATE! We all know Dalek’s are emotionless, killing machines. They have one and one mission only – to kill all non-Dalek kind and rule everything.
Being pure evil makes this easy to narrow. Even most of the players I strongly dislike I could find SOMETHING nice to say about. Dalek’s care about themselves and nobody/nothing else. The best person to describe a Dalek:
I have a strong feeling Pronger was a Dalek in a past life and/or will be a Dalek in his next life. We all know what he did in his life as a hockey player to destroy all of man-kind. Exhibit A:
The only reason I second guess Pronger as a Dalek is that I think Dalek’s are sweet and Pronger is pretty much the exact opposite of that. Screw Pronger. CHRISTOPHER PRONGER WILL BE EXTERMINATED!
Ah, the Ood. They’re some creepy looking motherbleepers but at their core, they are a good species. Born to serve (or we’re led to believe this), they are friendly and nice to people (and you can get a funny one for only five additional credits!). The issue here is that the Ood always seem to be under control of an evil entity and does things it would not usually do. Who does this remind you of?
Gary. Bettman. Yes, he’s a good person at heart and is a very smart man focused on doing good, but the owners have him under control so hard I’m shocked his eyes are purely that creepy shade of red the Ood’s have under control. That would be…really creepy. Moving on…
Oh, the Silence. Long story short, the Silence are a species that you only remember if you’re looking right at it. Once you turn away, you forget it existed and have no recollection of it. In the show, you probably remember the crew marking themselves every time they encounter the Silence. Warning, the following picture will be creepily hot:
So, in summary, the Silence can only be perceived when looking right at it. How often you see it depends on how often your skin is marked. This relates to the Red Wings because:
Brad Stuart, meet the Silence, Forget he exists? Check. Scared when you see him? Check. Plenty of marks on your body when he’s done? Check.
Oh, the Sontarans. For these, I’m going to do a more “appearance-based” approach. The Sontarans reproduce by cloning, so they all look quite similar and creepy. Who does “quite similar and creepy” represent in the NHL?
Yeah, pretty obvious here. Henrik and Daniel Sedin are almost identical twins and are beyond creepy looking. The Doctor would be jealous of their gingerness, but that still doesn’t exempt them from not resembling an alien life form. At least the Sedin’s take punishment instead of giving it out, otherwise, the NHL would be in massive amounts of trouble…
Yes! One of my favorite characters on Doctor Who. Mostly because they do awesomely creepy things like this:
As a refresher on the Weeping Angels – they can only be moved when not being seen by a single living creature, even another angel. As soon as they are seen, they turn into stone and cover their eyes. You can’t kill a stone. However, when you’re the only one in the presence of an angel, it’s not going to end well (ask Amy and Rory *sadness*). Don’t blink, don’t turn your away, don’t put your head down. Don’t. Blink.
So, now that we have an understanding of the Weeping Angels, who can we say is the NHL equivalent? Well, unlike the Silence, we know the angels are there. However, as soon as we take our eyes off of them, they blast us back in time. In my mind, this leaves only one option:
Pretty self-explanatory. Other players know he’s there, but as soon as they can’t see him, Kronwall sends them back into time. And yes, he’s an angel because sometimes he can fly…ahem.
Easiest one out of the bunch. The Cybermen are creatures made from actual humans, only they have all emotion/feelings removed made they turn into this:
If you haven’t figured this one out by now, you really need to pay more attention to the NHL and Doctor Who. But I guess I should show you who it is:
Yuuuuuup, Jonathan Toews. The NHL’s emotionless robot and/or grumpy cat and/or Zetterberg’s bitch. Let’s stick with Zetterberg’s bitch, shall we?
Ah yes, The Master. Proving The Doctor isn’t exactly “the last of the Time Lords” like he always says. I haven’t seen The Master prior to the current Doctor Who episodes as stated above, so we’re going to be focusing on the version pictured above.
Long story short, The Master was on the front lines in the Time War, but ran off scared and did not know the outcome of said war. He turned himself into a human, just like The Doctor did when he went back to the 1920s and became a school teacher. Yay history lessons!
The Master was controlled by the sounds of drums, a pattern on four drum beats in his head. He used this when his alter ego, Harold Saxon, was the Prime Minister of England. The “knocking four times” thing may have caused me to have the most feels ever in The End Of Time, but we’ll just ignore that.
Now, when it comes to picking an NHL equivalent to The Master, we have to have someone who is awesome at what he does, some mischievous, and is controlled through a telepathic field from a higher power. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you:
Yes. I feel extremely dirty putting a picture of Sidney Crosby on my blog, but yes, he is The Master. Extremely good at hockey? Yeah, just the best offensive player in the league. Mischievous? He punches people in the balls sometimes:
Ouch. And also, serving as the sound of the drums, I think we all know Pierre McGuire has a special telepathic signal to Crosby’s head. I do not, nor do I want to, know what happens when that field is activated. Gross.
So, there you have it. I’d like to give a shout out to the other half of The Best Friend Squad for talking about and helping me come up with some of the comparisons listed here…and for getting me into the show in the first place. If you have a disagreement or another suggestion, yell at me on the twitter (@KevinN37) and I’ll see what I can do. Also, if you tell me ANY spoilers about the show going forward, I WILL hurt you. I’m not kidding.
Up next…the companions!